You say :( God says :D

Well, it's been a busy weekend and as usual....I've been getting down on myself(arrrg). One chain email really has helped me this week, it's all about how God has an answer to all of those questions we have about whether we are good enough or not; it even has verses plucked right out of the bible to go along with God's answers. You know what I learned something really important...I don't have to be perfect, because God will love me no matter what. I don't know how to explain it, but every time I look at that email, I see how much God loves me! Before I would just think that wasn't possible that he could love me so much just because I am me, a person who has issues!

My last paragraph leads into this one because this is about another one of those issues that I feel really bad about. For some reason I keep getting really mad at myself...and the horses :( Yesterday we were at the gymkhanas, I took Marsan and as soon as she stepped off the trailer I felt her fear start to grow. I did everything I knew to do, including: figure eight, touch it, squeeze game, friendly game, yoyo game, backing up and staying out there, a million transitions, change of direction, putting her up against fences and leaving her alone there, just letting her move, pretty much all of the RB tactics I could remember! After awhile of seeing little success I started to get really frustrated and then angry. I think my anger started with me feeling really inadquate and getting mad at myself, but it turned into anger towards her. I just felt like she didn't care about me and she wasn't listening to me even though I was trying to help her feel better. I just feel so ashamed of getting mad at her after all of the things I've learned about the TRUE nature of horses. I feel most sorry about having used p4 without any warning because of my anger. This anger thing keeps happening to me and my guess is that it is a new lvl of conscious incompetence, "Oh boy!'. I think I'm at a new point of feeling like I should be able to do this and if I don't...
Even now I am disapointed that our relationship isn't strong enough yet that she could trust me through all of that, but I'm gonna keep resisting the feeling of "I should've...". When we got home again, I let Marsan go and she quickly left me. Later on though she approached me and I apolagized to her for getting angry, I think she understood my emotions because she touched me and licked her lips. Every time I get mad like that I have said I am sorry and we have been able to start again with a new perspective, I hope in the end that I can be more patient with myself and my horses.

So every time I look at that email I realise that God still loves me even though I messed up this week. I also know that even though I don't know yet how to build the relationship to the point that she will trust me in that sort of situation, God will show me the way and guide my steps. I know that I want to hurry up and have that awesome relationship, but God knows what I need better than I do.

Writing this has actually been very hard for me because I know that there is a lot missing in the relationship I have with Marsan, however this time I did things with Marsan I woulnd't have known to do before. I did see her try to trust me, but the distractions where just a little to much for her. She would at times lick her lips and relax, but then some RB horses would run past or we would accidently cross a threshold and she would become fearful again. So WE ARE GETTING BETTER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So through the little successes and a ton of mistakes, I have learned to trust God more, that sometimes you just have accept what your horse can give you and not push them for more, that I didn't have quite what I though I did with Marsan, and that there is always a next time when we will do just a little bit better in some way :D